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I dream in conversations that now go like this

Thanks to weeks and weeks of jury duty, my sleep has been forever changed:

Attorney: Dr. Kirkpatrick, you testified that you change your socks when they are smelly, sir, is that correct?

Witness: Yes, that’s right.

Attorney: Dr. Kirkpatrick, you testified that you change your socks when you can smell them, is that correct, sir?

Witness: I think I just answered that, yes.

Attorney: Sir, do you smell your socks for the explicit purpose to see if they smell to determine if they are too smelly to wear, Dr. Kirkpatrick?

Witness: Um, I think so.

Attorney: Please describe, sir, for the jury, if you would, how you proceed to smell your socks, Dr. Kirkpatrick.

Witness: I bring one to my nose as I inhale.

Attorney: Do you only bring one sock, sir?

Witness: First one sock.

Attorney: And then the other, sir?

Witness: Well, if the first one is smelly enough, I don’t bring the other.

Attorney: So if the first sock is smelly enough, you don’t go ahead and smell the second sock, is that correct, sir?

Witness: If the first sock meets my criteria, then I don’t worry about the other one.

Attorney: And you never smell both socks at the same time, is that right, Dr. Kirkpatrick?

Witness: Not unless they’re stuck together.

Attorney: Sir, do you use your hand to bring the sock to your nose, sir?

Witness: Yes, usually.

Attorney: What else do you use to bring the sock to your nose, sir?

Witness: Well, sometimes I use chopsticks.

Attorney: You use chopsticks, sir, to bring the sock to your nose, sir, is that correct?

Witness: Yes, I think that’s what I just said.

Attorney: Are these clean food chopsticks or special sock chopsticks? Strike that. Do you use clean chopsticks, Dr. Kirkpatrick?

Witness: No, they’re from last night’s dinner usually but they’re dry by then.

Attorney: So, if you use chopsticks, sir, you don’t use clean ones but you use the ones from your dinner from the night before, is that your testimony, sir?

Witness: Yes, that’s what I’m saying.

Attorney: And Dr. Kirkpatrick, do you use any other chopsticks to bring your sock to your nose, sir?

Witness: No other chopsticks.

Attorney: Any other implements, sir?

Witness: Well, sometimes my dog brings it to me.

Attorney: Does your dog bring your sock to you under your direction, sir?

Witness: Well, he comes to me.

Attorney: Do you tell the dog to bring you your sock, sir?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: And how do you tell your dog to do this, Dr. Kirkpatrick?

Witness: I have a handmotion that he knows.

Attorney: And what is that motion, Dr. Kirkpatrick?

Witness: I put my hand up as if it’s in a sock puppet.

Attorney: Thank you, Dr. Kirkpatrick. Dr. Kirkpatrick, can you explain for the jury, sir, once you have the sock, what is your criteria for determining if it smells?

Witness: My criteria is if I can smell it from a few inches away.

Attorney: From a few inches away from your nose, sir?

Witness: Yes, that is where I smell from.

Attorney: Would that be two inches away, sir?

Witness: Two inches sometimes does it.

Attorney: Would you ever be satisfied by it being three inches away, sir?

Witness: Well, if it’s smelly enough.

Attorney: What is the farthest … no, strike that … what is the closest the sock would have to be before you would deem it not smelly, Dr. Kirkpatrick?

Witness: If I got it right up to my nose and it didn’t smell, then I think it would be not smelly.

Attorney: And why is that your criteria, sir?

Witness: Because I think if they’re that smelly, then someone with a more sensitive nose sitting near me can probably smell them while I wear them.

Attorney: And you wouldn’t want to make someone else smell your socks, is that correct, sir?

Witness: Well, I wouldn’t want to smell someone else’s.

Attorney: And you wouldn’t want someone else to smell yours, is that correct, sir?

Witness: Well, it only seems fair.

Attorney: And so you wouldn’t want anyone else to have to tolerate your smelly socks, is that correct, sir?

Witness: I guess you could say that.

Attorney: Thank you, sir. And why wouldn’t you want anyone else to smell your socks, Dr. Kirkpatrick?

Witness: Well, because I don’t think it’s that pleasant.

Attorney: And what could happen if someone came upon your socks if they were smelly and felt this was unpleasant, Dr. Kirkpatrick?

Witness: I could be sued like I’m being today.

To discuss the functions of the nose, and brain function as it relates to the nose, physiologically, psychologically and socially, the following witnesses would include an ear, nose, and throat doctor, a sociologist who’s studied odor perceptions in groups, a psychologist who’s treated people with smelly family members, someone who smells underarms for a deodorant company, and an inventor who creates new materials that absorb odors.

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