Scotty Scotty bo botty
Never more a tot totty

That old fool - he thinks his life'll be as good as or better going forward. Ha.

You turned 40, Scott?

good luck

With some carbon 14 dating, we'll be able to learn if this guy is older than Scott.

As soon as that sucker turns 40, this will happen to the world 'cause he wasn't supposed to make it.

Look now, Scott's FINALLY turned 40. And he's done a bunch of stupid things in his life. Now, I want each of you to study what he did. And DON'T YOU REPEAT IT. (except for the penis earrings - those were good.)

Scott, you might as well forget...

Your life is in the toi-o-let

Where people over 40 go to live out the rest of their life. (I'm in the tent 3rd from the left. But you'll hafta find Mom + Dad's tent on your own.)

HAY, That Scott guy just turned 40. I think it's time to fry his ass.

So, what's the monthly charge for this, Scott?

Imagine what you could've done with your life.

Oh, spider, you think you're so virile. Now that I've turned 40, I've produced enough sperm to inseminate every woman on this planet 14 times (except for my mother and sister and grandmothers and cousins and a few others).

As you all know, we are gathered here to discuss Scott's 40th birthday. Do you think he is worthy of arriving at this milestone?

No, I think having been divorced once already, he should not live past 40.

But he handled it gracefully and responsibly, without a gun or a cement block and some rope.

Big Deal. But he didn't succeed.

Should he have lived in sin?

Absolutely not. He just shouldn't have divorced.

What if she also didn't want to be married?

Now we're getting off Scott. It's his 40th we're analyzing.

But it makes a difference to his actions and how we might judge them. Just because you were 41 when you were divorced the first time ... .

So back to Scott.

He went on with his life.

But he wasn't in the military.

Does that matter?

You know this always comes up everytime we analyze someone's 40th.

And I feel the same way everytime. When are you gonna learn not to bring it up?

Military participation's important.

Fuck military. Yes, it's important but it shouldn't stop someone from arriving at 40.

Although it often does for other less fortunate reasons.

If no one participates, then how are we gonna have wars?

What else -- did Scott have pets? Treat his neighbors right? Develop a distinguished career?

He's been a dental technician all his life.

All his life? I thought that was something people did to jump off of into something else.

Jump off into what?

Well ... um ... into an artistic jeweler career perhaps?

Yeah ... of unique pieces.

Well, he's just starting to stick the little nail of his little toe of his left foot in there now. Probably shouldn't hold that against him.

Yeah, but he should've moved faster. Now, he only has so few years left. What could he possibly accomplish by changing gears now?

But at least he's trying.

And he has run his own business for the last 8-9-10 years or so. That's quite an accomplishment.

Ehhh... lots of people do that.

And they all should be commended and get points for it when they reach 40, dontcha think?

Bah humbug.

Too bad, I'm giving him points.

You always do. Now I have to give him less because you're giving more.

No, I'm giving him what I think he deserves. That's what you should do too, not give him even less so his final score is what you want it to be. If you're gonna do that, I'm gonna give him even more so he ends up with the right composite score.

Fuck you.

Fuck You.

Hey guys, we get to score too. And you know we throw out the highest and lowest scores so if you don't want to have any effect, go right ahead.

Shall we get back to Scott, here?

What about his giving? How has he given of himself?

Well, he always calls his friends and stays in touch. And he gives presents and sends cards for various occasions like birthday and Christmas.

He always remembered his sister at Christmas, even when she didn't reciprocate.

That shows that he really knows the meaning of a true gift. It's not based on what he gets in return.

Yeah, but now his sister's getting fat because of those big mugs he gave her. She now thinks that's one serving and she's found some new tasty cream soups in the Safeway deli.

But that's not his fault.

Hell it ain't. If he hadn't given her those, she'd be eating smaller portions.

Surely she has a gallon cooking pot. What keeps her from using that?

Why do you keep veering off Scott? Scott is our focus here, not his sister. He did bad by sending her those big mugs. Now, let's move on.

Well, I'm not taking points off for that. I think he did well to keep thinking of her and show what he thought of her by giving a nice gift.

A gift that made her fat.

What have you given someone lately?

Now let's get back to Scott again, shall we?

After I take off points for his poor gift choice.

Give it up, man. There is no gift that would be acceptable under that kind of reasoning.

Yeah, exactly my point. Don't give people anything 'cause they'll use it for bad purposes because people suck.

Why are you on this committee?

Because I belong here. Someday you all will hopefully come around and think like me and we'll have some sense reigning in this region. But until then, you'll be rewarding people for giving. So stupid.

Scott fly fishes and mountain bikes and skis. Points there?

Too many sports over too few years.

But you dinged the last guy for only having one interest of building car models all his life. What do you want to see?

I want to see something balanced.

Yeah, but how many hobbies and interests per year? I think if someone fly fished and deep sea fished, you'd count them differently depending on how you could give them less points.

It depends on their intention, motivation, and how good they are.

But how do you really know their intention and motivation? And how do you judge how good they are? What is good?

Look it up on the internet. It's clearly stated there.

Can I motion to get this guy off the panel?

Why? Because you don't like my opinions?

Because you're not helping Scott.

We're not here to help Scott. We're here to decide whether Scott is worthy of living past 40.

Oh yeah, well, I think you're acting like we're here to keep people from living past 40.

So?

So! Well, we're all past 40 and we made the cut. But now no one else can hope to?

Look, if they're not good enough, they're not good enough. It's not my problem.

Do you want to live in a world with just us 6 guys?

I sure as hell don't want to live in a world full of idiots.

How about one with no women? One with no one who has skills different from yours?

this guy pulls out a poisoned dart and sticks it in the other guy's eye. the rest attack him to hold him off. fists and feet fly. poisoned darts fly. one guy gets a poisoned dart in the nose -- guy is craving for breath, soon falls over dead. guy with dart in eye has foam coming out of his eye, draining down to his mouth; he inadvertently swallows; soon he is also dead. the original dart thrower caught an elbow in his face, front teeth dangling by a ligament; blood gushing out his neck from a swift kick; falls to the ground dead. another guy dropped back the last of his espresso but didn't know a poisoned arrow had landed there and fallen out. he fell backwards over the cliff. the last two standing look at the three slumped bodies at their feet, then look at each other, satisfied. they said just enough to cause the fight, then they did just enough to stay out of the way, and the right people died. they signed the papers for Scott to turn 40 and began their trek back down to their huts.