Tag Archives: meat

Salami Cut-outs

Salami cut-outs — Fail!

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Don’t try this at home. or at work. The taste is absolutely totally humongously terrible!

Why?? I. don’t. know.

I etch little sausages and they’re fine. Every other food item I’ve etched I’ve been able to eat with at most tasting only a slight bit of a burn flavor.

But this stuff I swear turned into something else. How to know which sausages work? Have any ideas? I’ll be much more wary tasting these things going forward.

A Sausage with Your Name on It

Imagine going to a party and all the food you eat has your name on it …

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They’re quite the hit at parties! Well, as long as I spell everyone’s name right.

No, I didn’t use a branding typeset. I etched/burned them on a laser cutter. Here’s how:

 

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First, I dried a bag of little sausages. if you don’t dry them first, you’ll get bubbles as you etch. Water seriously impacts the burn. I didn’t just dry the outside, I wrapped each sausage in a couple layers of paper towel and squeezed it without breaking it open. See the material science just waiting to be learned!

Then, I made a quick jig to place the sausages in the laser so I could etch many at once and actually finish in my reserved time.

 

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I measured a sausage with my trusty 6-inch hem gauge which I always travel with.

The first time I did this I learned I’d picked one of the smallest sausages and so I had to tweak my process later.

I placed an 11×17 piece of paper on the laser table to hold the sausages. I made laser marks on the paper to tell me where to place the sausages. Then I used the same digital file to position and size the names.

So, in CorelDraw, I built a rectangle 2 inches wide by 3/4 inch high to match what I thought was every sausage’s dimensions.

I added two very tiny circles in the upper left and right of that rectangle, grouped it all together and replicated it across my 11×17 workspace, putting the rectangles anywhere. They don’t have to be aligned with each other. A very nice quick way to build a jig for many purposes.

I chose just the circles and had the laser cut them out. This would be faster than etching anything across this large area.

 

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This image shows the laser cut circles with two of the many rectangles photo-shopped in to give you an idea.

 

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Then I laid out the sausages on the paper lined up with the tiny holes.

I was planning on lining them up more densely than this but since I’d unknowingly chosen the smallest sausage on which to build my jig, I had to improvise. I used every other rectangle so that it was easy to remember a pattern to then build out the names.

I filled every other rectangle with an appropriately sized name and sent just the names to the laser.

 

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These are getting etched. You can see a bit of light coming off the first sausage. They’re also still showing signs of moisture but it’s subtle enough to still allow the words to be readable.

 

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Harvest them and get thee to a party!!

Hand Embroidered Meat

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Plated embroidered ham with rosemary and grape garnish

 

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I saw someone machine embroidering a shirt but they were using plastic wrap in the hoop, trying to get rid of the hoop marks on the fabric. I laughed. It looked like they were embroidering a sandwich.

My brain immediately saw an embroidered slice of bologna. Then it asked “what art would be embroidered on bologna?”

Ok, then. it’s decided.

I went to the grocery store to buy some bologna and left without buying, saying to myself, “Laura, this is a stupid idea … drop it … you don’t have time for this.”

A week later I had to go back because my brain just couldn’t let go.  I’ll just make one, I convinced myself. I spent $2.65 for 10 slices of bologna – something I haven’t eaten in yeeers. Think of it as art material.

 

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Bologna didn’t embroider well, even with short threads and the tiniest needle. my hands warmed it up too fast. Jjust a little bit of thread rubbing past this meat destroyed its integrity.  And if the needle went through the thread of a previous stitch, it pulled it out of this marshmallow meat.

One friend commented, “Everyone knows bologna is felted meat.”  I needed meat with grain in it.

Another friend bought me sliced ham after watching my bologna trials. THAT is the sign of a true friend.

To get the pic above, I had to warm up the bologna, which I had thrown in the freezer for another trial but then gave it up when I got the ham. To warm it up quickly, I rigged a hair dryer to blow on it for about 5 minutes.

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My first ham trial was just that. I opted for a second one using a paper pattern from one of my own drawings from other projects, resizing it and positioning it to take advantage of the lines in the ham.

 

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Ready for surgery, sans anisthetic

 

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ta-daa!

 

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At some point, all good things must come to an end.  I threw away my first piece of embroidered ham.
Since it was trash day and the trash can was freshly emptied, the ham landed flat on the bottom of the can.

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Where embroidered meat goes to die

I was hoping my housemate would find it unsuspectingly but he didn’t by the next morning so I mentioned it. Good thing ’cause it was already one third gone – wolfed away by the antssss.

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They devoured this juicy rotting treat, breaking it up into many little ant-size pieces and carting them off although we noticed that only about 1 in 10 careening back home carried a visible piece. The rest we presumed had engorged thoraxes and were dragging on the ground trying not to regurgitate before they got home (if that is what they do – anybody know?).

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Two days later a bit of meat and some thread in the shape of a rather tattered cock remained on the bottom of the can.

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OIt seemed like the ants left a fuzzy mark where they dealt with the thread. Trying to leave it behind?

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Three days later, no more ham is gone, the thread is tidied up, and most of the pink fuzzy spots are also gone. I stuck my short arm down the deep can in the name of research and touched the pink fuzz. but that revealed nothing. no fuzz, no change in what it looked like.

You know what the solution is. Another piece of ham with 5 colors of embroidery thread that are far away from ham pink. Coming soon. Any wagers?